Funny Bone : lawyer jokes

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The ’smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack."

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That’s okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 Q: While driving down a desert highway you see Saddam Hussein on one side and a lawyer on the other. Who do you run over first?
A: Saddam Hussein. Business before pleasure.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn’t you like to help the community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology.
"Or that my sister’s husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."
"So, if I don’t give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"

Q: What’s the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"