Funny Bone : lawyer jokes

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.

The next day, the following notice appeared,

"We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error."

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the
shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

question: Whats the definition of a waste?

answer: A bus load of lawyers falling off a cliff with one spare seat.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.  However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There’s a COW in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…

A blonde walked into a hairdresser’s with a pair of headphones on
and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don’t touch the
headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback
- but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned
and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever
you do … don’t touch the headphones." "No problem," said the
hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don’t
forget - don’t touch the headphones," said the blonde. Well, just as
the hairdresser was finished, she couldn’t resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on
the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I’ve killed her," screamed
the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing… "breathe in…breathe out…
breathe in…breathe out."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him
down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head,
and said, "You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare
shoot me.’"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when…the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The
lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?" "I’m
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonds laying sod
across the street."