Funny Bone : lawyer jokes

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

    "You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

    "I can’t take this, you’re my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

    "No. A bet’s a bet."

Then the redhead said

    "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money."

The blonde replied

    "Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

    "For best results, put on two coats".

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,"

sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment," replied the witness.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked about the lawyer’s rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn’t that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Two blonds were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then
hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look
at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blond two eventually saw what
blond one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep
throwing out every other nail?" The first blond replied, "Because their
point is on the wrong end." The second blond then said, "You airhead,
those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal."
"That doesn’t matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what’s yours?"
        "Tommy," replied the other.
        "My daddy’s an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
        "He’s a lawyer," Tommy answers.
        "Honest?" says Billy.
        "No, just the regular kind."

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown
off. "How did this happen?" The doctor asked. "I was trying to commit
suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?" "Well, I put the gun in my ear and I thought it was going to make
a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into aglass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…"
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away…". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it…