Funny Bone : lawyer jokes

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,"

sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment," replied the witness.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked about the lawyer’s rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn’t that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. "Hi, my name is Billy," he says, "what’s yours?"
        "Tommy," replied the other.
        "My daddy’s an accountant," says Billy. "What does your daddy do?"
        "He’s a lawyer," Tommy answers.
        "Honest?" says Billy.
        "No, just the regular kind."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into aglass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…"
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away…". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it…

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.

The next day, the following notice appeared,

"We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error."

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the
shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

question: Whats the definition of a waste?

answer: A bus load of lawyers falling off a cliff with one spare seat.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.  However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There’s a COW in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…